Just finished up a relationship over the last few weeks and I have to say its taken a lot out of me. Relax, I’m over the worst of it and I’m back on the up and up (But thank you for any concerns). Anyway its really got me thinking. What do you guys really want out of a relationship?
AM I ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON?
I have to admit that’s my first thought. Not that looks mean everything but I think they do mean a lot. I certain things attractive, I’m sure you do too. My things may be different to the things you find attractive but let’s face it there needs to be a level of primal attraction. it could be their appearance, what they do in bed, what they’ve achieved in life. In any relationship you’re going to find yourself annoyed / angered / enraged with that other person. I swear there’s many relationships I’ve been in where the only thing that kept me in that relationship was how attractive I found that woman.
DO WE HAVE COMMON INTERESTS?
You’ll need something to talk about, activities you can both do together. Positive time spent together will build and strengthen your relationship. So yes, definitely we need that.
Do they come off as nice, trustworthy, hardworking, intelligent? do they want to be in a committed relationship? Are they capable of doing so? Are they capable of being a parent if the relationship progresses even further? When I met my partner / ex partner she made a point of asking me these things to assess if i would be a suitable mate. This is something that really turned me on about her, she really seemed to know what she wanted and where she wanted to go. Presumably if I’d given other answers I wouldn’t have been seen as a suitable partner for her.
I myself asked similar questions of her, I had differing priorities. She wanted a relationship that would lead to marriage and another baby. I was happy just having a girlfriend or relationship but could live without the marriage or having a baby at my age. I’d already had a child in a previous relationship and that child was close to being an adult now. If I did it again, I’d need a stable relationship. That relationship failed 6months after the child was born. I didn’t want to spend 18 years being a split parent, and then start that process allover again. I’d always wanted another child myself but felt at the age I was that window was slowly closing. But I was definitely open to the idea but communicated that I needed to be in a stable relationship before choosing to have a child. I was 42 when we met so if i had a baby at say 45 i’d be almost 65 when the child became an adult. Something I need to look at seriously.
But for the purposes of this we had slightly different goals but our goals could work together. If we were in a stable relationship, I was happy to move on the idea of child and marriage.
NOW THE HARD PART
We assessed that we have compatible goals in the relationship. The next thing to work out is whether both parties are capable or willing to follow through on what they said they want. It’s one thing to say it, and another to actually do it. Some people are shaped by their past, others by whats going on their head and this is the hard part. You don’t really know someone until a certain point in the relationship when their actions start giving them away.
Here’s where it fell apart. I don’t believe this person was both willing and or able to provide a stable relationship. So I said unless you can do this I can’t bring a baby into world with you. Let’s face it, as an Australian male, we do not get equal treatment in regards to child custody and how relationship breakdowns occur. If I decided to go ahead with the baby I doubt very seriously we could have lasted more than 2 months after the baby popped out. Then I’m either stuck in a substandard relationship or destined to pay child support and drive across down picking up and dropping off a child until I hit 65. Neither of these are acceptable for me. I’m also not the type of guy that will just abandon a child either, so thats not an option.
Myself and the woman involved have started talking again. The Idea of IVF came up. This hurt me at first I have to say. I thought about it that night and the more I thought about it the better the idea sounded. She gets her child which is her most important priority in life. To be fair she was at an age where she would have to decide to have a baby soon or miss out as well. We can persue our relationship and if it works great. If not, at least we don’t have a messy family situation that I have to deal with over the next 18 years.
Going forward. Can I deal with a family situation where that person has chosen to go make a baby through a lab process rather than deal with the issues at hand and solve their issues? I think so. I don’t know so, but then this is something i’ll have to be honest with her. If we do move forward this pretty much seals off any chance I have of fathering another child. But she wanted a child more than I did, so who am I to stop her?
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